Journal Entry: Sun May 27, 2012, 9:44 PM
As of lately, meaning about a week or so, I have found myself under a odd sort of....cloud. Because of this, commissions are closed. I am unable to find the focus I need to sit down, answer what needs answering, or find patience with anything. I am restless, anxious and somewhat in a weird state of.....almost pain? I dont know. But with seeing how I am struggling with putting out artwork, actually working and getting things done I think it best I close the commission gate.
Im sorry, I want to take on more work.....but at this point I really shouldnt. I want to give you all my 100% love and devotion but cannot do it at this time.
For a while, I have suddenly found a case of unease. Pressure I think that I was not fully aware of has piled ontop of me to a breaking point. My friend has shed some light on why I may be feeling the way I am. My mother even brought up something to me.....She said,"You've been really nasty lately...your worrying me."
By nasty, Ive been very short tempered and snypy with my younger siblings, quick to bite and judge, and well....acting like Im constantly having a boot crushing my tail so to speak.
I have not been sleeping well. Ive become a night owl, which bothers me and my family. I stay up all night and just want to sleep all day, and its a problem. I miss the day and the events and stare at walls at night or play games. When I try to wake up earlier and stay awake all day...I wait until midnight or so to fall asleep (thats the only time I can SUCCESFULLY go to sleep for more than 2 hours), and suddenly have a burst of energy like "OH YAY NIGHTTIME!!! TIME TO STAY AWAKE AGAIN!!" Its veeeeeeeery annoying.
I really want to try working out. Swim laps in a pool....or find a gym. Something that has me MOVING. The problem is.........florida is freakin HOT right now! It was like....94f today. No jogging in that. Not if I wana die. And our pool? Covered in bugs and spider webs and............i have a HUGE case of arachnophobia. (i jump onto furniture and counters when one is spotted...)
I want to go to the local YMCA to swim, but costs money. I would like a gym membership...but that costs money. All in all? I need money and a buddy. But that requires work, and I have a HORRIBLE drive right now. I have no desire for work...but I do want to escape EVERYTHING. Leave everything behind, curl up in somebodies arms and just cry and cry and complain and lay everything on them and let them take care of me. This........personally sounds flat out pathetic to me. Im a 21 year old college girl who has been flat out SHELTERED all of her life, and, as my friend puts it, have been getting mixed signals. My parents constantly push me to get out, get my own place or shut up and live by the rules. Oh, but as long as Im under their own house I can do nothing without their permission and cannot spend my money how I see fit. Mistakes arent allowed. I cannot make most of my own decisions. I lack a great deal of freedom, so being pushed out into the world without taking a test drive is very..............hard. Without this lack of freedom and constant nit-picking to "get a car, get a real job, get your own place" is getting to me. I cannot win any arguments with my folks because of the "you live under my house you follow my rules" statement. So I cant argue with it. I do my duty, clean, pay for my clothes and necessaties. Im just living here and doing whatever they say.
Thats good right? Yeah, but eventually....a girl needs to.......let loose. I have my ways of coping.......unfortunatly a bad one is spending money. It gives me a sort of release, probably because its the ONLY time i have a freedom to make a decision. Should I get my own car? Yes. Should I be living on my own? Yes. Job? I feel like Im doing pretty damn well for my age in this society.
Should I be saving money for a car? Yes, of course. But the "dont buy anything till you get a car rule" is practically impossible for me. If I cant do that.......well thats the only RELEASE I have. And suddenly I feel like Ill get worse. Things will spiral down and Ill shatter. I need a venting source, but dont have one because I cant get out. I am pretty much clawing at the interior of my life, struggling to burst free but to no end. In this house........I am not an adult. And I wont be until I am free and on my own.
Problem is that is NOT mixing well with who I am. I have coped with this for so long.......I feel like Ill turn to dust at the slightest poke. Im aggressive when I dont want to be, my thoughts are jumbled, Im snarling at little things and I have a lack of energy. Its a pretty miserable place to be. And with nobody to confide in who is here PHYSICALLY? Its a dangerous place. I never wanted to say anything...because people who try to help me suddenly feel like they have failed, but its not their fault because they CANT. BE. HERE. They are too far, have too many obligations or theres money. Its not their FAULT. And they need to understand that. YES. IM TALKING TO THOSE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW. If you blame yourself your just going to make ME feel worse.
So until I solve all my own personal issues and get everything sorted............everything is STOPPED. I will not accept commissions nor answer emails regarding work. The only things I have the ability to even TOUCH and what not are my CURRENT LIST. If things have not been SET IN STONE then no, im sorry, but you'll have to wait. Until I break out of this dull, never ending constant cycle of my every day life and find a new set of eyes I need to take time away from work and just......find solutions. I am open to your comments. Scorn me, belittle me, try to give positive insite...I will take everything to heart and read everything you have to say, because right now.......Im in a pair of shoes I cant understand.......even if I tried to view it from a different angle.
Listening to: Stuff
Reading: In the hall of the Dragon King
Watching: Blue Exorcist
Playing: Dragon Age 2