Journal Entry:
Sun May 27, 2012, 9:44 PM
As of lately, meaning about a week or so, I have found myself under a odd sort of....cloud. Because of this, commissions are closed. I am unable to find the focus I need to sit down, answer what needs answering, or find patience with anything. I am restless, anxious and somewhat in a weird state of.....almost pain? I dont know. But with seeing how I am struggling with putting out artwork, actually working and getting things done I think it best I close the commission gate.
Im sorry, I want to take on more work.....but at this point I really shouldnt. I want to give you all my 100% love and devotion but cannot do it at this time.
For a while, I have suddenly found a case of unease. Pressure I think that I was not fully aware of has piled ontop of me to a breaking point. My friend has shed some light on why I may be feeling the way I am. My mother even brought up something to me.....She said,"You've been really nasty lately...your worrying me."
By nasty, Ive been very short tempered and snypy with my younger siblings, quick to bite and judge, and well....acting like Im constantly having a boot crushing my tail so to speak.
I have not been sleeping well. Ive become a night owl, which bothers me and my family. I stay up all night and just want to sleep all day, and its a problem. I miss the day and the events and stare at walls at night or play games. When I try to wake up earlier and stay awake all day...I wait until midnight or so to fall asleep (thats the only time I can SUCCESFULLY go to sleep for more than 2 hours), and suddenly have a burst of energy like "OH YAY NIGHTTIME!!! TIME TO STAY AWAKE AGAIN!!" Its veeeeeeeery annoying.
I really want to try working out. Swim laps in a pool....or find a gym. Something that has me MOVING. The problem is.........florida is freakin HOT right now! It was like....94f today. No jogging in that. Not if I wana die. And our pool? Covered in bugs and spider webs and............i have a HUGE case of arachnophobia. (i jump onto furniture and counters when one is spotted...)
I want to go to the local YMCA to swim, but costs money. I would like a gym membership...but that costs money. All in all? I need money and a buddy. But that requires work, and I have a HORRIBLE drive right now. I have no desire for work...but I do want to escape EVERYTHING. Leave everything behind, curl up in somebodies arms and just cry and cry and complain and lay everything on them and let them take care of me. This........personally sounds flat out pathetic to me. Im a 21 year old college girl who has been flat out SHELTERED all of her life, and, as my friend puts it, have been getting mixed signals. My parents constantly push me to get out, get my own place or shut up and live by the rules. Oh, but as long as Im under their own house I can do nothing without their permission and cannot spend my money how I see fit. Mistakes arent allowed. I cannot make most of my own decisions. I lack a great deal of freedom, so being pushed out into the world without taking a test drive is very..............hard. Without this lack of freedom and constant nit-picking to "get a car, get a real job, get your own place" is getting to me. I cannot win any arguments with my folks because of the "you live under my house you follow my rules" statement. So I cant argue with it. I do my duty, clean, pay for my clothes and necessaties. Im just living here and doing whatever they say.
Thats good right? Yeah, but eventually....a girl needs to.......let loose. I have my ways of coping.......unfortunatly a bad one is spending money. It gives me a sort of release, probably because its the ONLY time i have a freedom to make a decision. Should I get my own car? Yes. Should I be living on my own? Yes. Job? I feel like Im doing pretty damn well for my age in this society.
Should I be saving money for a car? Yes, of course. But the "dont buy anything till you get a car rule" is practically impossible for me. If I cant do that.......well thats the only RELEASE I have. And suddenly I feel like Ill get worse. Things will spiral down and Ill shatter. I need a venting source, but dont have one because I cant get out. I am pretty much clawing at the interior of my life, struggling to burst free but to no end. In this house........I am not an adult. And I wont be until I am free and on my own.
Problem is that is NOT mixing well with who I am. I have coped with this for so long.......I feel like Ill turn to dust at the slightest poke. Im aggressive when I dont want to be, my thoughts are jumbled, Im snarling at little things and I have a lack of energy. Its a pretty miserable place to be. And with nobody to confide in who is here PHYSICALLY? Its a dangerous place. I never wanted to say anything...because people who try to help me suddenly feel like they have failed, but its not their fault because they CANT. BE. HERE. They are too far, have too many obligations or theres money. Its not their FAULT. And they need to understand that. YES. IM TALKING TO THOSE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW. If you blame yourself your just going to make ME feel worse.
So until I solve all my own personal issues and get everything sorted............everything is STOPPED. I will not accept commissions nor answer emails regarding work. The only things I have the ability to even TOUCH and what not are my CURRENT LIST. If things have not been SET IN STONE then no, im sorry, but you'll have to wait. Until I break out of this dull, never ending constant cycle of my every day life and find a new set of eyes I need to take time away from work and just......find solutions. I am open to your comments. Scorn me, belittle me, try to give positive insite...I will take everything to heart and read everything you have to say, because right now.......Im in a pair of shoes I cant understand.......even if I tried to view it from a different angle.
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Listening to: Stuff
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Reading: In the hall of the Dragon King
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Watching: Blue Exorcist
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Playing: Dragon Age 2
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Eating: nothing
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Drinking: Water
`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
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On the part of parents and setting a goal I agree with KalineReine. If you haven't already it could help to explain to your parents how their advise makes you feel. It may not help much, but a lot of things can go wrong because people don't realise what influence they have on others. When it's out in the open, it at least can't be ignored so easily.
Making goals for yourself also is a good idea. Having something to focus on and strive for gives you a purpose, whether big or small and that helps to put things in perspective.
As for what DJHyperPonyGBX5 said, I think things are quickly very different for different people. I can agree with the part that it'd help to get things sorted out with your parents and when making art is what makes you happy (and considering how good you are at it) you could see if you can make a living from it. That's probably not easy though and I would advise you to ask people more knowledgeable about this. Like how much to ask for what, where to find work and what kind of income you could expect from it. If you don't know anyone for this, I found some interesting hits when looking in journals for "artwork price" on DA.
In any case I hope this helped a bit.
Best wishes and good luck.
I hope things work out well for you. Cheers.
It isn't an issue about economy. It isn't an issue about negative attitude.
It's an issue about your parents.
In short, you're saying that they refuse to let you live without a car and a job.
What I would do is open your commissions again! Add a comment signature that says that you're taking commissions, and comment around a broader scope of dA to promote your "advertising." And NEVER stop drawing, even if you're simply practicing. This will develop your skills so you can solidify your expertise, eventually making you successful in your trade. Even though you can't be as good as the best artists in the world, you are still UNIQUE. Consider your commissions business as your job. Your parents may find it silly, but you can indeed survive as a freelance artist. There are plenty of artists who live only on the money they make from drawing. You can too, but you need to get your acts together and focus on your drawing! Draw for the money! Money for the new home! The more you draw, the more you earn, and the sooner you'll get to move away from your parents!
Don't spend your money on anything else except food, toiletries, and art supplies! And instead of buying a car, take public transportation! It saves you from accidents and insurance. As for the heat problem, open the windows and use a fan to cool the air that comes in. And for the sleep issue, it's better to sleep in the afternoon and stay awake at night and in the morning.
Believe me when I say this, sister. I've been through what you've been through. I've walked on the same path that you're walking on right now. I don't have a job. I don't have a car. I'm still living under my parents' roof, and they're complaining about these same issues. They're always looking over my shoulders at everything I do. But I made them understand that I am an individual. You are too. We have the right to lead our own lives and be our own selves. No one has the right to run our lives anyway! We are who we are and nothing else can change that fact!
It doesn't matter if your parents don't support you; it only matters that you support them. Tell them that you're grateful for having them as your parents, and for all of the effort they have sacrificed to raise you up, promise them that you will return the favor in whichever way suits you best. So get out there and crank out those commissions!!! Never give up, and I'm supporting you 120%!!!
If you still don't feel better, try some dark magic.
Follow these steps closely:
1. Avoid drinking water.
2. Lose your mind. Fall back and stop seeing yourself belonging in the world around you.
3. Breathe slowly and imagine yourself inhaling fumes that will poison you inside.
4. Grieve like you've never grieved before and as if it's the end of your life.
5. Stare at a clock for an hour straight and watch the hands slowly tick by.
6. Listen to white noise at a reasonable volume with headphones on and fall asleep.
7. When you wake up, immediately write down, in as much detail as possible, about the dream(s) you had.
8. Find any symbolic imagery that appeared in your dream(s). These symbols will reappear in reality within a few days. Formulate a plan to prepare your encounters with them.
9. Drink plenty of water.
If you follow these steps in the exact order as described above, you will temporarily have control over your life. Good luck!
It's really hard to do anything with the way the economy is these days. Maybe have a serious talk with your parents about how you're feeling? Not an argument, just try reasoning with them and explain that you cannot do it this way any longer. IDK... In my own case, I figured out the problem. It was my ex dragging me down and making me feel bad. I slipped into a bad depression which I was stuck in for over 3 years.
Just try to make a list of goals, stay focused on what you ultimately want. The hell with what everyone else wants right now. Take some time for YOU. Trust me, you'll feel better when you do.
You could maybe move in with a friend, so your not totally alone and cheap(decent) cars can be bought for 2-4 thousand (they'd be like 06 models)
But as for sleep issues, I can keep my self up with my own thoughts so the way I imagine it is as myself pushing out all my thoughts and not thinking of anything(if that doesn't work I go over simple songs like ABC's and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star since its not hard to remember them)